More then friends
by themanemmaloves
Summary: Emma Swan and Killian Jones have been best friends for the past 16 years. After all they've been through (happiness, loss, awful break ups, school, heartbreaks… every bad and good part of life honestly) it would be odd if things weren't the as they are between them. But what happens when one accepts the fact that they no longer see the other as just a friend?
1. Chapter 1

**I finally got around to writing this and I hope it is going to be a multichapter fic (depends on the reactions tbh). I know I know, they end up sucking and I end up hating them but I'm really pumped for this one.**

* * *

He doesn't remember when or how it happened. Probably somewhere between the long nights they stayed up talking in the comfort of each others arms and the lingering glances that became more and more frequent. Her little smiles that used to bring nothing but pride and joy of finally seeing her happy to his face, now added yet another feeling – confusion.

He didn't know why his heart suddenly started beating faster when she would kiss his cheek. He didn't know why his entire body quivered at every gentle touch of hers. He didn't know why he would often find himself drifting away in his thoughts, imagining all kinds of scenarios they could find themselves standing close to each other in... Scenarios where he would feel her breath on his skin. Scenarios where he would be kissing her senseless and she would be tangle her fingers with the strands of his hair and _dear God_ – he needs to stop thinking about it. To stop imagining it. Because it isn't happening. Not now, not ever.

Killian and Emma have been friends since elementary school. One day, Killian was walking through the hall and noticed a blonde little girl hiding in a corner and reading a book. Eight year olds being eight year olds, he thought it would be funny to sneak up to her and scare her. It stopped being funny the second Emma flinched and punched him right in the face before running away.

He tried to go after her to apologize but he lost her when the bell rang. Later, during recess, he found her and apologized about a million times with a bleeding nose for scaring her like that and he promised he'd never do it again. She forgave him and then aplogized as well – the kid spent half the day at the nurse's office.

After that, things just started getting better between them and they started forming their today's unbreakable bond. They grew closer and closer each day. It felt natural. The only unpleasent part was being teased by their classmates for being close, but they never really saw each other that way. Not even as eight year olds.

When they reached high school and their dating phases, they would always look for a suitable person to date the other. It worked out preety well for awhile, at least for Killian. Her name was Milah. Dark haired and kind harted, she With her he found everything he ever hoped out of a relationship – love, respect, comfort... And he loved her more then he ever thought he would be capable of loving anyone in that way.

Her name stays tattoed on his wrist, written in blood red. It is all he has left from her. Along with the silent screams in his head at night that never stopped reminding him of the day he lost her. Probably never will. Despite his undying desire to.

He still remembers it clearly. Remembers the last time she looked at him. Remembers her letting out her last breath in his arms. Remembers how the world turned upside down in a second. Remembers how Emma was the only person who knew how to approach him after that, the only person who knew how to comfort him. She was with him through all of it. Still recognizes that empty look on his face when he drifts away.

That's probably why he loves her so much. She knows him better then anyone, just like he knows her. Knows excatly what pisses her off in a person, and what attracts her. It has to be the main reason her and Graham lasted for so long – two years. And it's all because of Killian. He's the one who set them up together in the first place.

Small part of him regrets it now, for a reason he firmly refuses to admit to himself. But seeing her as happy as she is now, the once hopeless romantic Emma Swan, it warms his heart in a way that makes all the regret go away. He can't possibly be selfish. Not with her.

„Swan I told you I'll be there in a minute, I just need to get dressed, alright?"

„Okay but hurry, the movie started already. And Graham is eating all the pizza."

Killian chuckled to himself. If there was ever a way to lure him somewhere, it was to say there will be no pizza when he gets there. Emma used that in every possible situation she could.

„I'll be downstairs right away."

Perks of living just a floor away, he thought. Emma opened the door with a smile on her face and immideatly wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a light peck on his cheek – she hasn't seen him in three weeks. Stupid internships.

„Killian!"

„Graham, hey..."

He pulled him in for a long hug. Killian's known Graham since first year of college and they've grown even closer since he started dating Emma. Out of all the men Emma dated, he was the only one Killian didn't want to set on fire at some point.

„Where's the pizza?"

„Graham ate it."

Emma laughed at the pouty face he made and grabbing his hand then pulling him towards the kitchen, she pulled out another pizza box – with his favourite pizza in it.

„Did you really think I wouldn't save one for you?"

He smiled at her and kissed her forhead, lips staying there just for a second too long. It wasn't anything unfamiliar to them. They felt comfortable with the casual intimacy. Sixteen years of knowing one another is definitely not a short span of time. They've always spent enough time together that people used to assume they're either married or related.

They spent the movie sitting on Emma's couch, suffering through Graham's awful series of jokes all the way to the point where he got called into work. Emma kissed him goodbye, and her and Killian stayed alone after that.

She listened to the story of all the experiences he had on the sea for at least another hour before stilling against his chest and falling asleep, his heartbeat violently changing it's pace before calming down as well.

He was gone when she woke up.

* * *

 **This chapter was mostly introducing them and their backstory, next one I promise is gonna be about canon of the fic.**

 **Also, I'm not too fond of Graham/Emma but I wanted to bring back their (CS) old relationships, so might as well be the only healthy one.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so this chapter is kind of an actual start of the whole thing, and the one coming after this one is super fun and I can't wait to share. Hope you like it!**

* * *

Emma didn't understand why he started feeling so distant. It started happening right after he got back from his internship. Leaving without saying goodbye, finding the stupidest excuses to not spend too much time with her... And she knew him far too well to not realize something was wrong.

She missed him. Missed how they were before. Missed how simple and perfect everything was between them. Ever since her and Graham got serious, they found themselves spending less and less time around each other. Of course, he was always there when she needed him and she was there for him but it just... It didn't feel the same. Something was off and she couldn't understand what.

„Are you coming over tonight?"

„Uh well actually I'm needed back at uni, love. Sorry."

„Isn't your due date a week away? Why do they need you now?"

„Something came up, I guess. They didn't tell me what."

Killian was lying his ass off and she knew it perfectly well. The way he would stutter over his words and the way his voice would turn higher every time he did, or well, tried to lie to her. What surprised her was the fact that he actually thought she would buy it. Her – the person who has known him since before he even got his first pimple.

„Is everything alright?"

„Everything's fine. I'm sorry I cancelled."

„No worries. Are you coming on Friday at least?"

„Of course I am. I wouldn't miss your birthday for anything in the world. You know that."

„Can't excatly blame me for being unsure."

„What is that suppoused to mean?"

Emma shifted her position on the bed and took a deep breath. It pissed her off how he pretended nothing was wrong , but she also had no idea what was going on with him and was much more worried then pissed honestly.

„It means, you're avoiding me. You're lying to me..." There was a stutter in his voice, and Emma didn't even let him start a sentence. „Don't deny it, Killian. I know you, and I'm not mad, I'm just... Concerned. What the hell is going on with you?"

There it was again. The loud shout in his complete silence only she could understand and hear. He didn't reply, and she knew he wasn't going to either.

„Okay, listen to me. Don't say anything, just listen."

Emma could hear his breathing slowly even on the other end of the line.

„I know something is up. I know there's something you're not telling me and that's okay. If you're alright, I don't care. Tell me when you think it's right. But please, for the love of God, stop pushing me away. I miss you."

There was a long pause after her words. Not that they were easy to respond to anyway. Emma never was the person who knew the right things to say, but it was different between them. He never asked her to say any words to him, she said them herself. That's what made them right.

„Okay. I won't."

* * *

People would often assume they were a pairing. More often then they probably should and Killian couldn't blame them. They spent more time together then it was probably healthy. And it was much better to listen to that nonsense then to the people who claimed they were related. But the second he started hoping that one day it wouldn't be a nonsense, he got scared and backed off.

It was easier for him to stay away from her then face everything he didn't want to face. He didn't want to tell her about the five nights in a row he woke up covered in sweat, with her name present on his lips. He didn't want to tell her about the fact that he'd rather be lonely and miserable then watch her with Graham – the guy he hooked her up with. He didn't want her to know that whenever she smiles at him, his heart flutters and he feels like goddamn teenager again.

He didn't want to ruin what they had for something that happened so unexcpectedly and beyond control. Something that could hurt them and what they have – the precious little thing that meant the world to both. Not exactly a friendship, not excatly anything more. Delicate yet passionate. Definitely something neither of them could live without.

He tried his best, _heavens know he did_ , to figure what was the moment it all started feeling different. But he couldn't. He just couldn't remeber. He just knew how he felt now and he despised it.

Killian's head was buried in his sorry excuse for a pillow when his phone beeped, Graham's name flashing on it. _Since when did he start texting him again anyway?_ Ever since he's been dating Emma, their once long, weekly nights spent at the bar were reduced to a potential fifteen minute meet up if they didn't see each other around Emma's place that month.

 **Graham H.**

Are you alone right now?

 **Killian J.**

Aye. Everything alright?

 **Graham H.**

Yeah, I just really need your help with something. Come out in front of your building in 15.

 **Killian J.**

Alright?

It was colder then he assumed it would be. Just like always. He just knew Emma was going to yell at him once he starts coughing because of it. Graham walked up to him, jaw clenching and hands rubbing against one another as he hid his chin inside of his coat.

„The bloody hell is going on? Are you alright? Is _Emma_ alright?"

Graham chuckled and just tapped Killian's shoulder.

„We're fine, don't worry. Just walk with me."

„Where are we going?"

„You'll see."

The confusion just continued growing on Killian's face, and his entire stomach twisted once he saw they stopped walking right outside a jewelry store.

„What are we doing here?"

Graham just smirked and pushed him inside. The comfort and warmth of the room weren't enough to make up for the impaling feeling of naseoua that suddenly started torturing him.

„Which one do you like the most?"

Killian regained his focus when he heard Graham's low and husky voice talking to him, his hand gesturing at the shiny jewels in front of him.

„The rings. Which one do you prefer?"

„Mate, I'm flattered but..."

Playing it off as a joke was the only thing Killian was good at when he would find himself in situations that had him wanting to disappear from face of the Earth.

Graham chuchkled but turned serious just a second later, which sure as hell wasn't enough time for Killian to come up with proper words to answer to any of the potential questions.

„I'm serious. I figured you know Emma best, considering you guys met like what? 15 years a-"

„16." Killian added.

„16, right." He corrected himself before continuing. „And who could choose the ring I'll propose her with better then you?"

His heart started beating faster and Graham's voice suddenly started feeling distant. It all happened too fast for him to even understand. To be aware of the fact that _it's real_. It's happening. Graham will propose and he loves Emma too much to say anything to her. Not like this. And definitely not now. All he can do is pretend he's happy – well actually, he is. Despite everything he is happy.

Happy that Emma finally found someone worthy of her. Someone who loves and worships her, someone who treats her with nothing but respect and someone who he always considered the perfect match for her.

It's perfect. It really is.

(He chooses to ignore his heart yelling something else entirely.)


	3. Chapter 3

**I am quite weirdly very proud of this one and it's obviously my favourite chapter so far AND the longest (over 3.5k words wohooo). Anyways I do hope you like it, because I couldn't wait to share. Love you all :)**

* * *

Emma called him at eleven, yelling about how something urgent came up and that she needs him over immideatly, then hanging up before he even got a chance to ask anything. She left him without choice but to basically run over to her place.

She opens the door with a smile and an unusual amount of joy radiating from her. He adored seeing her so excited but at the same time, he also wanted to kill her for making him so worried about her. The fear lasted brief 30 seconds that it took him to run downstairs to her, but still.

„Let me guess, there's nothing wrong and you just wanted me here early."

She pressed her lips tightly together, failing over and over in attempts of trying not to smile.

„I have no idea what you're talking about, Jones."

Killian let out a soft chuckle, taking one step towards her before taking her in his arms. She wrapped hers around his neck as he spun her around before leaving one soft, simple kiss at the line of her jaw then setting her back on her feet. For the first time in awhile, their touch started feeling as before again. Natural.

„I love you and you better live for a lot more of these because I will kill you if you don't." She chuckled at him, his arm still resting at the low of her back before he kissed her forhead gently. „Happy birthday, Swan."

Inhaling his scent – ocean breeze like always; she still remembers all those nights they spent at the docks, just watching the sea as all the ships sail out, his scent identical to the one he has now – she leaned forward, relaxing against his chest. She missed it. Missed the feeling of safety and peace his arms always offered after being deprived of it for reasons he still hasn't told her about. But he didn't move away this time, or held back. Instead he pulled her even closer to him, nose nuzzling against her hair, soft jasmine scented locks tickling his face. He missed this too.

„I love you too." She finally whispered in response. He allowed himself not to feel the impaling need to stay the hell away from her; and he didn't. Because this wasn't a situation where he'd feel anything more. He just felt the usual amount of love for his Swan he's always felt with a bit of excitment over the fact that it's her birthday – _and_ she agreed to let him, Ruby and Graham throw her a party again.

Once they finally pulled away, Killian rapidly reached for his pocket, pulling out a little box and handing it over to Emma.

„Almost forgot! My mother sent it to you."

„Oh my God, she rememberred my birthday?"

„Did you ever think she wouldn't? You two spent so long being some weird sort of best friends or something. Open it."

It was true, they were some sort of best friends, despite Emma being so young when they met. She really couldn't see her as a mother figure, because she never tried to be one to her. She never tried to parent her in any way but was always there for no matter what was going on in her life – first crush, first period, first serious relationship – she was always there. As a friend. She even made sure Emma got a foster parent who was good enough for her – Ingrid; even though she still pretends to this day that she had nothing to do with it.

Gently sliding the tips of her fingers beneath the opening of the box, Emma found a beautiful necklace inside, along with a note next to it. With excitement rushing over her that she didn't even bother to hide – which was weird, because she absolutely despised being the centre of attention or being the focus of anything – but this was different.

„Dear cygnet,

I wish you recieve everything you desire from life. Love, happiness, success... And all those little things that come in between. If anyone deserves it, it's you. Happy birthday, my darling. I love you.

Maren."

She didn't know what to say. The Jones family really had the ability to leave her completely speechless at times.

„ _Cygnet_..." was all she managed to quietly mutter, still not taking her eyes off of the beautifully written note she was holding in her hands. It was also an attempt to hide the tiny glimpse of tears in her eyes from Killian; which was preety useless considering he knew every time she felt like crying.

„Aye. You always were her cygnet."

Maren's been calling her that ever since she met the little girl with a broken smile and deep green eyes that nearly broke her son's nose. Even when they were kids, Killian would always call her Swan. His mother chose the nickname Emma still adores. It was one of those rare things from her childhood that she wanted to linger with her forever.

With Killian and Emma growing closer each day, Emma spent more and more time with his family too. Liam – his older brother who is basically never home since he got the position of a captain in his navy, but he and Emma were quite close, it was inevtable honestly. And Maren – Killian's loving mother who may just be the most amazing woman in the world. His father she never got a chance to meet, which she is eternally grateful for. From what she heard from their stories, he was an awful dick who abbandoned them with no explanation, leaving Maren alone to take care of the mess on his job he left behind and give back all the money he owned, keep food on table for the three of them and raise the two boys - which she succeded in perfectly. If there was anyone to admire to and aspire to be like, it would be her.

„You know, she also told me to tell you she's coming next week."

Finally looking up and not caring whether he noticed the by now obvious tears or not, her voice excited and smile bright enough to shine a galaxy, she shouted

„What?! She is?"

„Aye. She wanted to come over for your birthday as surprise, but got held back at work, so she's coming over next week to stay with us."

Her jaw was probably going to hurt like a bitch from smiling as much as she did, but she couldn't help it; dimples static on her cheeks with a squeaky noise she sure as hell didn't intend to let escape from her lips, and Killian couldn't find her more adorable if he tried in that moment.

„Okay, so I have about one hour to help you prepare for the party before Ruby sends a hitman to kill me for not helping her with the tables."

„But why won't you two let me help you with planning?"

„Because it's your birthday and all you need to do is show up. You deserve to have someone do something for you, alright?"

Emma let out a shy chuckle, avoiding his gaze; he took her by surprise when he grabbed her forearms and turned her around, pulling her to the couch.

„Come on now. Let's see what we can do about your hair."

She sat in front of him, legs folded beneath her as he started dragging his fingers through the locks of her hair. Goddamnit did he love her hair. Even when they were kids, he would always play with it. Maren always adored wearing different kinds of hairstyles. One week when she got sick, Liam gone for college, Emma and Killian stayed with her the whole time; took care of her as much as two 12 year old can. Emma taught him how to braid, and he never forgot since.

He still remembers that day up till now, when he's braiding Emma's hair. One lock over the other, over and over again. Her hair felt soft between his fingers, and he could never not admire the color he never really knew how to label – not really golden, not really much lighter then that. Something like the sky during a pale sunset. Simply breathtaking.

„I still don't know why I let Ruby plan the whole thing, you know? Last time she threw me a birthday party we were all hungover for two days, my family's lake house was a mess and I'm preety sure there's still the wine stain on the carpet of the living room."

Killian chuckled at the memory. It truly was one hell of a party that is going into the 'stories not to tell your kids about' pile.

Both of them still pretend that they didn't make out during it; some stupid challenge game they were playing resulted in that. When Ruby starts holding it over their heads, they both just blame it on the drink and say they don't remember. But they do, _oh yes_ they do, and they will always remember.

It's hard to forget the way your lips crashed upon someone's with so much passion and gentleness at the same time. How their hand escaped to cup your cheek while yours lingered at the curve of their neck. Or the way it lasted for just a tad too long...

Carefully with his calloused fingertips, he tried his best not to pull her hair even a little bit too hard. Even though he fought the urge to pull her close to him and kiss every spot of her neck, over and over again; to listen to her moan and crave for more to which he'd happily oblige to and holy fuck, he really needed to stop thinking about this.

When he finally came back to reality, Killian was quite impressed with his work after finishing the now perfectly neat braid decorating her hair. Once moved from her shoulders, all the places hair used to be all over were now exposed, all the skin available to his gaze which he quickly turned from, swallowing a gulp and moving away from her.

„There. All done."

Emma traced a thin line across it with her fingers, a 'wow' being her primary reaction. Unlike the Jones family who recited poetry in their sleep, she was never really good with words. She expressed her emotions through actions; just like now. Instead of saying how much she adored the braid and how grateful she was to him for making it, she hugged him and lightly kissed his cheek.

Dragging herself off of the couch, she jumped to her closet and was nearly taken down by the avalanche of t-shirts and leather jackets that came pouring out of it. Not that she cared, really, her mind was focused on finding the dress she intended to wear tonight. Pushing away a few coats, she finally reached it – peach colored dress that goes just right above her knees, tight against her body but a lot more comfortable then it probably looks.

„So... What do you think?"

„Why don't you try it on?"

 _Shit_. Did he litterally just say that? Because that sounded _so_ subtle. But double shit, was she actually listening to him and nodding then turning around to try it on? Yes, she appearently was.

Goddammit, he didn't know whether he wanted slap himself across the face or thank his feeling of comfort he felt around her to even ask her that. In any other circumstance, this situation would be looked at quite differently, but he didn't even allow himself to think of it in any other inapropriate way. This was the woman who asked him to come over and help her get ready for the party. The woman who is going to get proposed at said party and tomorrow morning is probably going to wake hungover, happy and engaged. He didn't allow himself to think of it as anything more, and the situation didn't allow him anything more either.

In under two minutes she was out of her room, gingerly walking inside and turning around giving him a full view of her body; in that brief span of few seconds he forgot every thought of his from the past minute, he just admired the way the dress complimented her perfect body and every curve. She looked breathtaking.

„So?"

Slightly shaking his head to regain concentration, he started stuttering over his own words.

„Uhh... Definitely that one. Yeah. Yeah."

„You think so?"

„Aye. You look stunning."

She couldn't help but blush.

„Thank you."

„I should probably get going, Ruby _will_ kill me. Graham's picking you up at 7, right?"

„Right. I'll see you there then." She quickly kissed his cheek goodbye and went back into her room, yelling „Good luck with the tables."

/

The place they rented for the evening was already crowded once Emma arrived. Familiar and barely familiar faces smiled at her and wished her a happy birthday and complimenting her dress as she walked through the crowd with her hand in Graham's as they headed to Ruby, who was already flirting with the girls that stood with her at the bar. How surprising of her. But damn was she good at flirting.

„And the birthday girl is _finally_ here. Where the fuck were you?"

Emma hugged her, whispering sorry for a few dozen times before pullling away and continuing

„I would've come earlier if mr. _does my shirt look okay_ didn't take 20 extra minutes to get ready."

„Hey, it was worth it, that blue one would've been tragic. Plus you love this one on me."

„That I do."

She kissed him, noticing there was something different about him tonight. That stupid smile didn't leave his face ever since he appeared at her door two hours ago.

„You okay?"

„Of course. Why?"

„Nothing. Just wondering. Ruby, where's Killian?"

Ruby looked around but all she saw was a large group of people dancing to the way too loud music and just shrugged at her.

„Last I saw him was when some brunnete walked up to him and they left to dance together. I don't remember her name."

Narrowing her brows, Emma just stared at Ruby confused.

„Killian dancing? As in Killian? _My_ Killian? Seriously?"

„Trust me, I was surprised too. But considering how hot she was, I wouldn't mind taking some dance lessons either. Just saying."

/

The party was amazing, Emma had to give Ruby and Killian the credits for organizing this. Everyone was dancing, drinking and having fun and she relaxed; which happens once in three months. Life's too busy and there's a lot to think about, yet so little time to just say fuck it and have a good time, like she did before. All those nights spent at Granny's, the cafe not so far from their old high school, just talking and drinking and playing stupid games that always resulted in someone getting pissed. But she missed that, missed that feeling of liberty and not constantly thinking about when is she going to set her alarm so that she isn't late for work and doesn't have to listen to the long crappy speeches her boss would give her.

The music suddenly stopped and Graham was holding the microphone in his hands. He was nervous, and sweat on his face was showing beneath the light as he climbed on to the table so everyone could see him.

„Uhm... Sor- Sorry for interrupting, I just have a thing to say."

Emma couldn't help but smile at his shyness and the obvious fear of publicly speaking. But for her, he'd do anything. The only thing that crossed her mind was that he was about to give her a speech of some sort. (Techincally, he was.)

Graham put down the microphone and climbed off of the table as soon as the room quieted down. He started walking towards Emma and she could already har the whispers behind and around her echoing the room. Centre of attention. How fucking great.

„Emma Swan..." he started.

„Every time I look at you, I can't help but remember the first time I saw your face. The beautiful girl with green soft eyes that sparkled every time they met mine..." Clearing his throath, as Emma tried her best to ignore all the voices around her, he continued „You truly were the most beautiful woman I've seen. And now, we're at the point where I can't imagine my life without you in it. And I don't want to."

Emma looked around, desperately hoping everyone around her would just disappear. Inviting this many people was a horrible idea and now everyone was staring at her, and holy shit, she felt like she was about to pass out. Rapid breathing gradually started calming down once she noticed Killian in the background, smiling and gently nodding at her. She looked back at Graham who was already on his knee, with a ring shining out of the tiny box in his hands and the words escaping his lips softly

„Will you marry me?"

And in that moment, she felt she was going to explode. All the people stared at her and craved for an answer she didn't know how to give. It was simply getting to much so she did what was easiest to do – turned around and ran the fuck away.

Gasps and whispers echoed in her ears as she entered the bathroom and started ignoring every knock on the door and call of her name she heard in the next two minutes.

Killian somehow managed to break through the line already piled up in front of the door and have them move away as he knocked gently, saying

„Love, it's me. Please open the door."

He didn't hear an answer.

„Emma please. It's just me, I promise."

She opened the door just lightly to check if it really was just him alone, before letting him walk inside. He didn't say anything at first, just pulled her into his arms as she buried her head in his shoulder.

„Are you okay?"

„No... Why the hell would he do that? He knows how much I hate being the centre of anything..."

„Hey, hey..."

He traced gentle circles with his palms against her back and waited for her breathing to completely even before letting her go. They sat on the floor next to each other and just sat silently for a minute or two.

„He loves you. He loves you a lot and he's been planning this for such a long time, he just wanted to make it perfect and memorable."

„Well it sure as hell is going to be memorable."

„Love, don't say it like that."

„What am I suppoused to say then? What are all those people going to hear?"

„Hey." Taking her hand in his, and locking their eyes together, he added „I don't care what they're going to say. Graham is an amazing guy, yes... But it only matters what you want to say. Alright?"

She nodded, rubbing her temples gently and letting her head fall against her knees.

„How do you do that?"

„Do what?"

„Always know what to say."

He chuckled at her words, muttering in response

„I don't know... But when it comes to you, I just do."

There was another break in their talk, this time replaced by the lingering look that neither really wanted to end. Just gazing into each other's preety eyes was so calming for some reason neither of them knew to explain.

„You should talk to Graham. I'll sent him in if you want."

„Alright..."

/

„Emma, I am so-"

„Don't. It's my turn to talk."

Graham closed the door behind him and took a step closer to Emma, hand immideatly reaching out to hold hers; which she backed away from immideatly.

„I love you. I do. But what you pulled tonight..."

„I know, and I'm sorr-"

„Wait."

He stopped himself from continuing.

„I love you Graham. And you're the person who I've, by far, been the longest with... But me running away wasn't just because of the public proposal – which is always a horrible idea by the way. You don't put anyone in the position to answer something so important in front of so many people." She took a deep breath and turned his gaze back at hers with a light caress across his chin.

„I know you didn't mean anything bad, trust me. I know. And I love you for trying but I... I'm not-. I'm not ready for that kind of comittment. Not yet, anyway."

„We can wait."

She let a tear roll down her cheek. She's been holding it back since she first felt people staring at her.

„See, that's the thing... I don't think we should."

„What? Emma, I-"

„Graham, listen. We're obviously looking at things from a different point of view. And come on, don't tell me you didn't feel things were a bit off between us lately. We started spending less and less time together, stopped going out as much... Stopped having our long night talks. We lost everything that made us... _us_. Can't you feel it?"

He didn't know what to respond. Partially because he knew she was right and partially because he didn't want to accept it. Looking into the floor, he was desperatly trying to not let her see the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

„I'm sorry."

That was the last thing she said before walking out.

* * *

 **Like I said, really long. Thank you for reading and your reviews always make me smile like an idiot. So thank you for them.**


	4. Chapter 4

She spent the next day in her bed alone. Hurt, in tears and pissed off, perhaps even a bit regretfull – wait, no. Not regretful. It was bound to happen. They were getting more and more distant from each other with every passing day. They deserved more then what they had left to offer to one another. She'd give anything to take things back to the way they were a few months ago. But they aren't. This is the reality. An ugly and harsh reality. Maybe it was just not meant to be. But if it was easy to break up with the person you've been with for two years, she'd appreciate it.

 _Crying doesn't make you weak, Cygnet_. _It just shows that you're strong enough to break sometimes. So shed those tears, chin up and then go show everyone your worth. Make them regret hurting you._

Emma cherished those words since the first time she'd heard them. It was in the fifth grade, after getting sick of constantly being made fun of by the big kids. She didn't want to care about their comments. She knows her value and that what they said was utter crap, and if she could tell that to anxious little 10 year old she once was, she would. Even as a kid, she always had trouble with expressing her emotions. Hated crying; still does in fact.

Maren noticed that sad look on her face that day, took her small hand in hers and told her what she needed to hear. Emma never knew her words would linger for so long.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock on the door and a quiet call of her name coming from the other side. It was Killian, of course. She could always recognize that husky voice.

„May I come in?"

She wasn't so sure herself if she wanted him inside. One part of her just wanted to stay alone and cry it off or develop an illusion of feeling better. Other part of her craved for a hug and some reassuring words she knew Killian would offer.

Dragging herself out of the warm sheets with a groan, Emma walked towards the door with a glimpse of hesitation in her steps, opening them with a forced smile on her face only to see two blue eyes staring at her, probably already reading her thoughts. Killian entered, closing the door behind him as he placed a hand on her arm.

„Are you okay?"

She didn't even have to respond. Her eyes just fell shut and it was enough of a reason for him to pull her into his arms for a bear hug, kissing the top of her head and holy shit, she needed this more then anything in the moment. She ran her hands against his chest, her voice and quiet sobs muffled against them as she relaxed at the comfort it offered. Her fingers drifted away, gently sliding over his shirt to his strong back and she locked them together, not wanting to let go.

It felt so familiar yet so refreshing to feel how much someone cares for you. Not to see, not to be told so. Just to feel it. It's probably what her relationship with Graham lacked. He had the words, he made sure he used them. Spilling I love you's at every cup of coffee they shared, after every time they had sex, every time he thought she needed it... She loved it and she loved him for it.

And yet, two arms wrapped around her as sort of a shield from the pain, tenderly yet strongly, said it louder and better then any words she could hear. She nuzzled her face against his shoulder and murmured an apology for the stains on his shirt. He hugged her even tighter, and they stood there, both forgetting what time was. It felt good and it felt right. It was excatly what she needed and she didn't want it taken away. Not yet.

/

„Thank you." She smiled as he brought her a cup of her favourite coffee and sat on the couch next to her.

„Are you feeling any better?"

She nodded in response, too distracted by the gentle expression of his face to say anything. Something felt different about him, and she started noticing it not so long ago. The way his eyes were deeper blue then before; the way his tongue would slip out of his mouth more times then necessary just so he could trace a line on his pink lips; they way his jaw clenched and brought out the features of his face she never paid much attention to; the way his touch felt feather light on her skin and she suddenly found herself craving it.

„I have to tell you something." He suddenly spoke, voice low and look focused on the table in front of him.

„What is it?"

„My mother... She can't make it."

„What? Why?"

„She got sick and is unable to come over..."

She recognized that stupid hidden grin on his face which was always a sign of either a very stupid idea that would end with them in huge trouble when they were younger or a really really amazing one that they would always want to remember.

„But what?"

„That doesn't mean we can't go to her."

Emma's red and slightly puffy face suddenly had a smile shining on it.

„What do you say, love? You and me, road trip."

„You're serious? There's this thing called the airplane, Killian."

„I know. Thought it'd be much more fun to make the trip longer."

She knew this was also his way of trying to cheer her up, and he already did that by being there for her today. Plus, going back to the town they grew up in seemed like the thing she could really use.

„What about your job? I mean, I can take the week off at the station but what about you?"

He narrowed his brows at her and her constant need to find reasons of how something could go wrong was actually impressive. She wasn't always like that though. In their teen years, she was preety relaxed about everything. The amount of weekly shit they'd get into and all the damn hangovers were probably scary.

„I'm preety sure the university can survive without me as their English literature professor for one bloody week while our students are on vacation. Also, I turned in all the reports they needed from the substitution in time."

Ah yes, that substitute. Out on the sea, some private course for young navy officers who wanted to learn about the beauty of English. He mostly took it because it was on the ship Liam was on, one of the rare chances he got to see his brother. And it's also around that time he started to act so different, for reasons he still hasn't told her about.

„Come on, Swan. There's a lot to catch up on."

With a glimpse of hope that he will fucking finally shed some light on why they have been in the place they're at suddently ended the debate she was having with herself.

„When are we leaving?"

/

„Did you bring everything?"

„Aye. All you need to do now, is relax and allow yourself to have a bit of fun alright?"

She sighed, throwing her head back before she felt his cold hands landing on the back of her neck. It took her by surprise, how close they stood; how his eyes drifted their focus with every silent second that passed, from hers to her lips; goddammit she was actually disapointed by the fact that he won't come closer.

Quiver in his voice was obvious, despair to remember what he was about to say as well; she just wanted him to press her against the car behind her back, to feel his lips crash on hers and to listen to every groan and curse that would escape his lips. These desires, painfully strong desires, terrified the hell out of her.

„You deserve to have fun and to allow yourself to move on. Okay?"

She didn't respond immideatly, probably concerned that her voice will be nothing but a whisper considering her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest. Taking a deep breath, she said a simple 'okay' in response.

He stepped back, probably after he became aware of the way her breath was touching his skin. So close. So painfully close. Unintentional as it was, it was frustrating to be so overwhelmed by her presence.

Gods, he wanted to kiss her. But he couldn't. It just wouldn't be right. Not now anyway. Just like it probably wasn't right to be in her space as much as he was. Old habits, he thought. Still didn't make him feel any better about the fact that he wanted her so much. Sometimes he'd blame it on the lack of romance in his life, which made him feel disgusted by himself for wanting her because of that. She was so much more to him. Yet on other days he'd believe that the desire had always been there.

(And it was. In different forms and smaller doses, but it was.)

But today, he just didn't know what to believe in anymore. He knew he loved her and that was enough. Enough for now anyway.

/

Emma took the first turn driving. Considering it's going to take about 12 hours to get from New York to Morris, they figured it's best to switch when one gets tired. Knowing Emma, she probably won't let him drive – she loves it far too much.

But right now she was too distracted by Killian's adorable snoring to fully enjoy the thrill of it. He always is sleepy anyway, especially in the morning. And for some reason, the way his hand rested on his thigh and the way his head was leaned against the soft blanket he claimed from her months ago – going non stop about 'how bloody soft it is' until she told him to take it. She doesn't regret it though. She loves finding him wrapped in it far too often when she comes over.

When his hand slips from under his cheek and lands on the bit of space left on the seat, she notices his tattoo – _Milah_ , written in the most beautiful way it was possible. Despite her heart breaking every time she would look at it at the memory of how miserable Killian was when he lost her (still is, whenever he remembers), it would also remind her of how much she loved Milah too.

She was one of her closest friends, besides Killian and Ruby of course. Not excatly describable in a few words. She was brilliant, crazy smart. Ambitious and brave, inspiring, respected and kind. She never let anyone tell her what to do, or how. She was never scared of saying that she wanted something better for herself, or to do fight for it; never afraid to acknowledge her worth.

And as a friend? Well, she was one of those friends you could never get tired of, no matter how much time you've spent with them. Always offering best advices and a shoulder to cry on, never crossing any personal boundaries along the way. Emma always admired her. Even though she was just as amazing and wonderful towards her, but never noticed it. Their friendship truly was something unique and unrepeatable.

Rememberring her relationship with Killian never failed to send a wave of chills through her body. Watching them fall in love and continue their relationship for over 7 years was one of the most beautiful things to ever experience. The way both of them were so happy. The way she saw how much they loved each other. The way she knew both of them would cross hell to get to the other. The way she knew how good, amazing, they were for each other.

 _Were_. That's the saddest part. Milah was ripped away from them in a flash of a second. It was probably one of the hardest things to go through. For Killian it definitely was, and for Emma it equated to the pain she felt when she lost Ingrid five years ago.

Heavy pounding in chest causing breath to quiever. All the words that were cholked back by the gulp in their throats and the tears that uncontrollably rolled down their cheeks. Killian's hand ice cold in hers. His lost expression as he watched life leave her body in his arms. Her last words were to him. She told him to find happiness and that she loves him. Told him not to beat himself up, but he did.

He still curses the jewelry shop she ran. If she didn't have to stay working late that night, she wouldn't have found herself in the middle of the robbery and she wouldn't have gotten shot. They were speaking on the phone when it happened. Both Emma and him ran to her but it was too late to do anything.

They both still miss her. It's easier on regular days, but whenever there is a holiday or a birthday, or any particular day that reminded them of her, neither asked the other what was wrong. They both just look at each other's broken smiles and sad eyes and decide it's best not to talk. Sometimes they would replace the words with a strong hug and sometimes it would be with a round of shots at Granny's. Either way, they were always there for each other.

Killian's hand brushing hers as he shifted regained her focus on the present. It was so easy to get lost in the painful memories and the ghosts of the past that creeped upon them, despite their ability to ignore them most of the time.

„Good morning mr. Just a five minute nap."

He groaned then sat up, using his elbows for support, hands rubbing the two weary and confused eyes as they closed again. He really wasn't a morning person. Rays of sun played with the side of his face, teasing the pale skin, their light causing him to narrow his brows and turn away, his gaze landing on the beautiful blonde in front of him.

The sun made her seem brighter then she was and she looked like an angel to him. A smile cornered at her lips and he was damn convinced she was coming up with the next teasing comment.

„How long have we been driving?"

„Not many... Two, maybe four."

„The bloody hell, why didn't you wake me?"

Emma just shrugged and responded, in a voice she tried to make as quiet as possible and failed

„You were snoring... It was cute. I didn't want to wake you."

Killian tried, he really did, he tried to hide that smile that was suddenly just there on his face. She never failed to lure it out, regardless of the situation. _Cute_. How could he not smile at that anyway?

„So how are you doing today, Swan?"

Emma avoided looking at him at first, ignored him in fact. What was she suppoused to say anyway? That it was killing her to know she ended a chapter of her life? That merely rememberring Graham's face in the moment she told him it was all over fucking broke her? That being stuck in this car with his stupidly adorable sleepy face and snores was somehow just what she needed? That she didn't even know whether she was sad or alright with the fact that it was over?

When his hand landed on her suddenly stiff shoulder and he repeated the question, she cleared her throath and decided to give him an answer.

„I'm alright now."

She chalked back the rest of her sentence, the hesitation to continue growing as she realized she didn't have the proper words for what she wanted to say. Whenever it came down to her expressing love or graditude or preety much anything, she would show the sentence she wanted to say. She always considered that talking never said enough. Tightening her grip on the steering wheel, she finally found it in herslef to add

„Thanks to you, I'm alright now. Thank you for staying with me yesterday and for... Suggesting this trip or whatever. I really needed that."

Her hand landed on his knee as she finished. It was simply stronger then her. The desire to show something. She craved touch in emotional moments, convinced that her body would do the talking. It worked well enough, at least with him.

His palm landed on her hand, her knuckles cold against his warm skin and she found herself lightly digging her nails into his knee through the jeans – just to hold on a bit tighter and make sure he knows how much she actually appreciates it. He looked up at her but she focused her eyes on the road, but she could feel him staring, right side of her face suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of fire burning over the skin.

/

They spent most of the drive laughing and singing, just like old times. She was always discouraged when they sang together. Her voice was weak and high when unneccessary and his was... Well, his was just breathtaking. If she hadn't encouraged him to study literature, she would probably insist on him moving forward with music. He was _that_ good. They spent so many nights at Granny's, sometimes alone sometimes with the gang, with him playing guitar and having everyone around him lose themselves in the beat – some would sing along, some would just listen. She always listened.

A line of curses escaped her lips when she noticed the car slowly stopping, steering almost impossible and she felt like punching someone when she saw that they ran out of gas. How great. It's almost completely dark and the moon is already laughing at them as they found themselves stranded in the Middle of nowhere, Ohio.

„How in the hell did we not notice that we were running out of gas?"

„More importantly, how are we going to get to Morris? There's like, a four hour drive to there from her, what the fuck are we suppoused to do?"

Killian barely managed not to chuckle. Emma would rarely get mad, only in extreme situations, and it was always weird to see her like that. Weird but sort of funny. She looked ready to burn down the world.

He placed a hand on each of her shoulders, pulling her a step closer. Her breath hitched in her throath at the sudden small gap between them.

„It's going to be alright. I will call Liam to come and get us, alright?"

„Liam!? I thought he was in the navy for the month?"

„Well you see darling, that was suppoused to be a surprise because he came home early so he could see us. But alas, instead of the planned all night talk while eating cheesecake, looks like I'm going to be stuck with your talkative arses in a bloody car, no escape, for the rest of the evening."

Emma smacked his shoulder, raising both her brows at him and trying to ignore that stupid proud smile she made appear on his face. Liam would've had the same reaction. He wasn't lying though, whenever the two of them met it would be at least two hours of babbling about everything and anything and later deny it.

„We're not talkative! We're just..."

„Talkative."

Emma just stared at him, wanting to scream about how wrong he is even though she knew he was right.

„Aye, Liam?"

She leaned against the car and listened to him talking on the phone as he walked around trying to get a better signal. He was always cute when he spoke on the phone, nevermind the fact if she was the one talking to him or watching him talk to someone. He would giggle every five seconds and scratch his ear while walking around. It always made her smile.

„So he's going to come to get us only, it might take some time. Looks like we're stuck here for awhile, Swan."

He stood right next to her and leaned on the car as she let her head land on his shoulder to rest. She loved how natural every physical contact between them was. It wasn't surprising to hug, or to kiss, or to simply be casually intimate. But that didn't mean that neither of them felt nothing whenever they would touch. Especially lately.

Whenever they would kiss, a light peck on the cheek, it would feel like skin had caught a flame. Overwhelmed with sudden warmth, they just hoped that the other wouldn't notice the sparkle they were sure was in their eyes.

Whenever they would hug, her arms around his neck and his around her waist, it would feel like home. Safe and familiar. They could simply spend the rest of their days like that.

Whenever she would rest her head on his shoulder, cheek resting against the cold leather of his jacket or the soft flannel shirt he'd wear, just like now, it would feel like a blessing. It's not very common to have someone in your life to be there for you like they are for each other. Simply knowing you have a comfortable place to lean your head on was preety amazing.

„Do you think I did the right thing? Ending things with Graham?"

His hand reached inside the car through the window to grab the blanket and he immideatly wrapped it around her shivering shoulders. Gripping her around the waist, Killian pulled her closer and looked back up admiring the clarity of the stars with her.

„I honestly don't know. Do you think you did the right thing?"

She hesitated for a second before answering, averting her gaze from the stars to the ground.

„I do."

„Then you did the right thing."

She turned to face him only to find him already looking at her, blue eyes barely recognizable in the dark. Something inside her just broke, like a trigger was pulled and she couldn't hold it in anymore.

Her hands reached to cup his face and she crashed her lips upon his. He was taken by surprise, but it didn't take him many seconds to recover and give into the kiss. Sloppy one it was, but they didn't care. His fingers got tangled in her golden hair and he pulled her closer, teeth grazing along the thin line of her bruised bottom lip making her groan in plesuare as she kissed him further; tongues fighting for dominance and her hand suddenly found it's way to grip his thigh. Emma arched her back when he started pressing kisses down her neck and her arms wrapped around his when he went a bit lower, pressing wet kisses on her chest and it made heat pool in her belly. It was her cue to move away.

Panting and holding on the cold metal of the car to support her balance, Emma didn't know what her next move was suppoused to be. Making out with your best friend and thinking about going futher wasn't the situtation she thought she'd find herself in. She crossed a line and there was no returning. But he kissed her back. He kissed her back and he seemed to enjoy it just as much as she did. That's all that mattered.

„Emma..."

„Don't..." She stopped him mostly because she didn't want to hear the rest of the sentence. What if he wanted to pin her against this car and kiss her senseless and give her the most mindblowing sex of her life? What if he wanted it? What if he wanted the same as her? „I need a walk. Alone. I'm sorry."

„Emma wait!"

„No, I'll be just a few minutes. I just-"

She couldn't finish. It was easier to walk away then to face everything at once. To face everything she avoided for the past few weeks, months, however long she denied what she wanted. Or rather _who_ she wanted.

Her mind was a mess and only one thing was clear – she would do it again in a heartbeat.

* * *

 **Hi guys, I'm sorry it's been a very long while since I updated but here it is. I tweaked a few things and changed some thing for my AO3 so if something doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.**

 **Also I'd like to apologize for the ending of this chapter, I wanted to make it longer but I just couldn't. Something happened, CSers on Tumblr will understand, and I'm not really in the mood to write that much. I'm sorry.**


End file.
